aeryn - lost

(no subject)

moving over to Dreamwidth, same user name (had the account since 2009)
please add me.

I guess this make this the last entry.

time to move on
aeryn - lost

(no subject)

You think you're doing okay
And then you see them again, on the street, on Facebook
And they look so much like the person you wanted to be with, before they became the version the two of you created.
That your breath catches, your mind freezes and all the old scars ache and throb

You know that isn't as bad as when they left or the months before that
But the distance between then and now seems a few steps and not the leagues it took you to get here.

You see them happier with a new person than you ever remember making them. And you can't decide if you are angry or sad about it, mainly it just hurts.

You look at your new lover, and wonder if you could ever be as happy with them. And you can't decide if you want them to love/destroy you like that, because mainly it'll just hurt.

It will pass, sooner rather than later this time.
It has passed, there have been harder moments than this.
But this is one of a lifetime of moments you'll endure, a law of diminishing returns as everything you ever meant to each other, good or bad, fades out existence.
aeryn - lost

Why you should let me do a textiles degree

First draft
Will be subject to much revision

This is the bit where I tell you ive been interested in textiles all my life

Except I haven't, I've been interested in exploring how things work and how they relate to each other.

When I went to university straight from school I did an art history degree, I've never had a job that used it. But i do use it. I use it when I look at something, because I am aware that there is meaning in both what the object portrays, where it is, where it's been, in who's looking at it and where they have been. I was actually the person who got post colonial theory in my lectures, because I'd been a white child in Lesotho, and an English child in Southern Ireland and New Zealand. I knew inscintively what it meant to be different, to be the outsider, that this both gave you the ability to see a society differently and took away your right to speak about those differences.

I haven't done all the courses most of the people applying for this degree have, I know that puts me at a technical disadvantage. But one thing I do know, is that I can see. For the last couple of years I've been using my phone to take pictures and a nifty app called fotor to play about with them. The things that interest in me in a photo are contrast, colour and texture. The limitations of a phone camera are both a challenge and a frustration, but it's helped me learn about what works within the medium. So when I step up to a bigger camera I know where I can go with it.

I don't draw much, I've always been a lot more tactile about my creations, it why I knit. But I know drawing is something I can do, I just need practice. So I've done a short course online course, like so many things taking that first step and knowing the mistakes are okay is the best way to learn. Of course studying Michelangelo in no way helps ones confidence when putting charcoal to paper.

Knitting is something I've done all my life, I've found the mix of technical and creative both meditative and challenging. Most of the knitters I know I've taught, they picked my enthusiasm and that patterns are not rules, they create and explore. I hope they got that from me

I was told a few years ago that sewing wasn't like knitting, that id hate it. That I couldn't undo something or do it in front of the tv. I decided that I wasn't going to get things 'right' that id do it a bit at a time and reuse anything I cut for something else. It is now the thing I lose all sense of time whilst doing, I taught myself pattern alterations and techniques from the Internet. When I couldn't get the fabric I wanted I dyed it.

People say, oh I've always meant to write to novel, and I've always replied, why haven't you?
If something is important to you, you'll just do it.
I do knit, I do sew and I do explore the ideas of colour and texture.

Between knitting and dying and where i am in life. I have the freedom to explore where I can take these things by studying textiles in a structured way.
har flippin har

a very rough first draft

I haven't even mentioned Russia and Ireland needs a far larger role.
and feel asleep when I got to the characters, most of whom will change anyway.

But I hope i've outlined the basics of what a cold war in the commonwealth could look like.

Constructive feedback welcome, i'm kind writing this as a potential roleplaying scenario, though someone else would run it, and i've never written one in my life.

What if
On the 4 of June 1940 Churchill spoke to the House of Commons

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

God was not apparently on Churchill’s side. The island was subjugated, ground under the heel of the nazi jack boot.

The battle of Brittan was lost, our brave pilots put up a good fight, but it was not enough and on the 17 September 1940, Operation Sea Lion commenced and whilst it took six months longer than originally intended the beach heads were established in the south of England, and with crushing inevitably, London and the rest of the country fell. It is with pride and sorrow that Churchill noted the names of the fallen at the battle of Walmington on Sea, an incident in which the home guard held out against the Nazi invasion for 8 weeks under Captain Mainwaring and later Lance Corporal Pike. Churchill described the action as well fought and showing that every Englishman would rise to the occasion and fight for the good green fields of home, to their dying breath.

On Dec 25th 1941 in a carefully co-ordinate propaganda move, Hitler rode up the Pall Mall in his open top rolls Royce to stand in front of the bombed out ruins of Buckingham Palace and accept the surrender of Great Britain from Anthony Eden the Foreign Secretary, one of a handful of cabinet members who volunteered to remain in the UK. By this time the Cabinet had evacuated to Ireland and the Royal Family (with much protesting from the queen consort Elizabeth) was evacuated to Canada. Many of the children who were originally intended to be evacuated to the countryside, were also hastily sent on to these new destinations.

The last act of a defiant parliament, whose final sitting in the houses of parliament on 12 December 1941, was to pass the Interregnum Act of 1941, granting independence to Northern Ireland from the United Kingdom, for the duration of the occupation in exchange for sheltering the majority of the British Parliament. It was seen as a desperate act by the Nazi’s but one, which proved to have lasting strategic value.

With the Nazi acceptance of the surrender, there followed three years of subjugation, during which, there were sympathizers and saboteurs as forms of survival. The UK’s Jewish, Romany and homosexual population died in vast numbers in the concentration camps erected of Merthyr Tidfell, Ripon and Dunblane. Those caught sheltering them where often shipped alongside them, or shot on the village green as an example to others.

America during this time, took as many refugees as they could, but remained politically and militarily neutral to the war in Europe. Even after the bombing of Pearl Harbor on the 9 January 1942, they only ever declared war against Japan, some say they were to afraid to take on the might of the Nazi’s, others that Hitler offered them a land empire in the east, in exchange for taking out the Japanese, and being if not Ayran Allies, then at least not being Aryan fighting Aryan, others that they choose the battle they knew they could win.

So the situation in early 1941, stood as thus. The British govt in exile, sheltered with the military forces it had evacuated in Londonderry and Belfast. Every second Irish family in the north housing at least one evacuated child, with an increasing push for the south of Ireland to shoulder its share of this burden, as it as to risky to send these children onto Canada, with the U boats in the Atlantic. The Royal Family in Toronto, acting as official diplomats for the heads of state of the Empire. The Royal Navy split into three fleets, the Irish, the Canadian and the Indian.

All however, was not lost. The Empire responded to the call of the crown and empire, with an almost schzipernhic zealotry. In India Gandhi’s 8 August 1942 speech delivered in Mumbai at the Gowalia Tank Maidan, called for the liberation of the Britain, so that those British trapped in India and in the ‘false dreams of Empire’ could return home in the knowledge that India had proved herself at least their equal. There were sporadic outbreaks of violence towards the British still in India, however, most of the nation took this as an opportunity to prove its independence. Munitions factories and ship building yards were swiftly established in Bombay and Panjim. However, India’s belief that spearheading the liberation of Britain would lead to their inevitable liberation (or at least equal footing) from colonialism put them in direct conflict with the aims of South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. Despite the sense of nationhood that had developed from their experiences in WW1, in response to their experience with English commanders, the ANZAC forces rallied to the call and stood proud to lead the charge against the Nazi’s for the home country. South Africa’s

The disparate aims and motivations of the nations of the Empire were ably exploited and managed by Churchill and the young princess Elizabeth, who as the younger member of the family was considered freer to travel and proved her worth as a skilled diplomat, managing the transition of these nations from Empire to Commonwealth in 1944. It was, of course, during the course of these travels that she meet and fell in love with Chithira Varma, and whilst they never married, their ill stared love affair was to haunt both nations for decades.

Along with the British breaking the Enigma code and translating the Nazi transmissions at Stormont and the actions of the British Obstructionists, lead to the launch of Operation Defiance on 16 April 1945, which landed on the three beach heads of Stranerar, taken by English and Indian forces, Dunragit by a joint South African and Australian force and Port Logan by the ANZACS. With heavy losses by the ANZACS, either due to GCHQ incompetence or the increasingly the suspicion that one of the other commonwealth nations gave their position to the Nazi’s.

Despite this the beach head was established and two weeks later the Battle of Dumfries irrevocably changed the course of the war, as an overstretched and weary Nazi army was at first rolled back by the commonwealth troops and then increasingly individual unit and then armies surrendered. Notable events from the English Liberation include the liberation of the last 200 inmates of the Dunblane concentration camp, the liberation of the captured British Army at Stalig 13 in Orkney, with the emotional embrace of the General of the Indian troops, by his former CO, who had been a POW for 3 years and was due for execution that day, after his 23rd escape attempt. Along with the patriotic fervor with which the liberating troops were welcomed by the British populace, leading one commentator to lament that liberation may be the worst thing to happen to British womanhood since 1066. The return of the Royal family to Buckingham Palace, and the so called bonfire of the vanities where they symbolically burnt every piece of movable Nazi regalia left behind in the restored palace, on the front lawn.

Six months after this liberation, the commonwealth is now organizing Operation Moksha, the liberation of Europe. However, the tensions are beginning to show and whilst all the allies are committed to the war effort, what happens after liberation is very much in doubt, the Indians have liberated Britain, and are looking to either be acknowledged as the army in charge or saying they have completed their aims and withdrawing their military presence, the South Africans are pressing for greater independence and a recognition of their racial basis of government, the Australian and New Zealand governments are also seeking more sovereign control in recognition of their efforts. All countries are also asking for financial recompense for their war effort.

On a dark and stormy night, representatives of the commonwealth heads of state gather at Balmorals as guests of the young Princess Elizabeth to hold preliminary discussions on the division of Europe and the commonwealth post war, along with an instruction from Churchill to see what compromises can be worked out to avoid a potential ‘cold war’ once the liberation of Europe has been achieved.

Present are

Lieutenant – Colonel Symth Warbuton
Old school military, bought up in the British Raj, Old school colonial values, considers it the duty of the empire to have rescued the crown, and they should be happy to do so without reward. Some sympathy for Nazi racial politics, but aghast at the evidence of the camps uncovered in the UK.
Aware that these attitudes are becoming outdated, so resentfully hesitant to voice his feelings.
Hidden agenda: to discuss Princess Elizabeth’s affair with Chithira Varma and convince her to do her duty, break it off and accept a proposal from Philip of Greece and Denmark.
Secure access to French ports and German Ruhr valley after the war.

Colonel Vishra Singh
Joined the military as a result of Gandhi’s speech, fiercely pro independence. However you were banished from your family for joining up. Saw heavy action at Stranerar and Dumfries, your brother died in the final days of the liberation of London. Thoughts of what this battle has personally cost you sit heavy on your shoulders.
Part of the new commonwealth elite, sees a new future with Australia as an equal trading partner, but aware of the Americans presence in Japan and china as a constant threat of an invasion on your own soil

Hidden Agenda: secure trade deal with Australia and New Zealand.

Lieutenant – Commander Valerie Upton, NZ navy
New Zealand being a small nation, was quicker off the mark of letting women serve and you have seen years of action in the Atlantic, starting with smaller surface vessels and then commanding captured U-boats.

As part of the new commonwealth, you wish to secure a place for both women (whom made up the majority of the British Obstructionists and since liberation see no reason to return to the kitchen) and New Zealand, in this new world of opportunity.
Hidden Agenda: Confirm to Elizabeth that if she gave up her right to the crown to marry, then New Zealand would still recognize her as head of state, provided she negotiated them a trade agreement with New Zealand, with preferential rates.

Mr Benjamin O'Malley
Irish, married to an evacuee
Secret Agenda: find wifes family
aeryn - lost

(no subject)

To Alan

You stood in the doorway of the lounge on your departure and said I was important and we were worth saving

I don't know what happened to you in the next two months. I may never know.

But the next time I saw you, you'd arranged to spend Xmas with Faye.

I will never forgive you for not following through, for putting your needs ahead of us, after I'd tried my best to balance my needs and ours for years. With little feedback from you. I did my best, i'd hoped for the same from you.

We weren't worth it in the end, you weren't worth it in the end. Are you as sad and upset about this as I am, I hope you are. However, I made it clear I wasn't running after you for a friendship, and whatever your intentions, you have not given me enough to make me believe that should ever be an option for us.

Friends care, you are to busy with your life to show that you care. Maybe you find it to confusing and to hard, I don't know, I don't need to anymore.

aeryn - lost

(no subject)

Cambridge is not looking happy
I'm wondering how long to leave it before taking her to the vet

She's not eating much and is looking very frail

I'll shoggle the cat litter tomorrow and if she's not used the tray tomorrow

I guess I'll have to contact Alan and consult

I'm dreading that
Any of it really
aeryn - lost

(no subject)

I discovered last night that my mums friends house in Dunedin hasn't been sold yet
(its a long process, involving the couple who were going to buy it, renting in it whilst she lived in the basement for several years, until they decided not actually buy it)

in all honesty I would move back to Dunedin for that house. I love that house
and lets face it, theres very little in my life I actually want to love atm

well I guess I've uprooted my life for smaller reasons.
spike giles and tea

(no subject)

Curating your presence

I was thinking about this in scattershot kind of way this morning. Brought about by a couple of things

Noticing that someone on FB had removed me from all their filters, and presumably unfollowed me.
Discovering one half of a couple I think are ubercool and wish I could be more like, thinks I’m rather shallow.

Now I have no idea what in particular I’ve done to have this happen. Outwardly I just take it on the chin and say I was being myself and can’t be much more than that. To some extent it doesn’t matter. I can’t really change it now and I’m not close enough to either of them to feel comfortable getting into the ins and outs of it, in a particularly heavy manner. The people on the outskirts of your life don’t actually owe a deep and meaningful. A deep and meaningful pulls them closer into your life, and sometimes that’s a crowded place already.

But actually I am disappointed in myself, these are people I see on line and very occasionally in public, to what extent was I being me?

What they’ve actually seen is me posting random thoughts when I have nothing better to do, (i.e. on the bus) 20 times a day. It gives people an insight into my psyche when I’m bored and have access to a keyboard. Is this shallow 20 sec glimpse into a flash of emotion or inanity, actually me?
Alternatively drunk and hyper at a party, or slightly fried from over socialisation, or having a brain dump on LJ cause I’m upset and flailing isn’t all of me either

So yes was I being me, but I wasn’t being all of me.

It’s not like I haven’t judged people for the similar petty crime of seeing a limited version of themselves or where their interactions with people closer to me, have left me disappointed in them or when I’ve known half the story and not actively applied enough empathy to make more than a half baked judgement. How much of them to I actually see, or actually know?

Hence my contemplation of curation, the selection and interpretation of information to the public.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know curation is a massively loaded activity. Presentation of objects outside of their original framework, says as much if not more about the people doing the presenting as it does about the objects/information.

But, I think the idea of editing out the dross and adding in some of the deeper stuff, would help people interpret me better, and force me to not just skim through the world on shared links. FB’s algorithms and people I like, already leaves me in a bubble.
This isn’t to say I want to start only sharing what’s politically important to me, I’m not using social media as an activist scrapbook. That’s actually just as boring in its own way as what I mainly post.

So ...
Knitting interests me, I started blogging (and stopped)
I’m getting interested in photography.
I like talking to Alan about the world and what happens in it
I like hanging out with Phil and doing stuff
I have friends I value
I need to judge less
I care about more than my job, my dinner and judging others

These are probably things I need to more accurately reflect on social media, and take the time to give them a bit of depth.

I have occasionally tried to be better about this, I manage a few weeks and then lapse. I doubt I’ll do better this time, so I’ll just keep judged on my online persona on the chin. I’m human, they are human. I don’t hate them for it, I am aware that they had reasons, but I will disappointed that I was the one who gave those reasons, however unintentionally.
what ever it takes


Cables are where you move a set of stitches in front or behind the other stitches, changing their order.
Usually using a double pointed needle.

sometimes its all about the precision, the pattern, the creating a piece of jewellery in stitches


Then sometimes its just about the texture